I think I’m at that point in life** where I’m doing that thing where I wonder if I took all the right steps to get where I am and if I’m taking the right steps to get to where I want to be. But I’m not totally clear on where I want to be. Is what I want really what I want or is it what I think I should want?
**(By “that point” I mean, I’m having these same thoughts again today and I have been having them off and on since I was like 8)
I’m 30 years old. I’m single. I have a cat. I live in a smallish apartment (haha, ok it’s itty bitty). I have a cool, albeit challenging job that lines right up with my career goals. I have a therapist. I prefer reading and hot tea to raging house parties and going out dancing. (Although, I’ve been known to imbibe from time to time and my dance moves were quite famous in my early and mid-20s).
I look at my friends who are married and have kids. I look at my friends who are in long-term exclusive relationships and all about that job life. I look at my single friends and the way they hang. I look at my depressed friends who feel totally alone. I look at where my siblings are and where my parents were and where they are.
But mostly I just look at my cat and anamorphize his behavior.
Self-deprecating jokes aside, I’m guessing there are a few of you who take the detour to Comparison Avenue and ask these same questions, from time to time.
For those of you who occasionally doubt yourselves (that means all of you so keep reading and don’t be a liar), pretend you just found out that you have 10 days to live.
Holy shit, this changes everything.
But it shouldn’t.
You’re waiting to tell her that you love her because you’re scared of something.
You’re waiting to break up with him because you’re scared of something.
You’re waiting to ask for what you want because you’re scared of something.
You’re not telling the truth because you’re scared of something.
You’re not doing that thing that will change everything because you’re scared of something.
The scared part of your brain that is firing, is telling you that a lion might come out and try to turn you into his poop. Unless you live where there are hungry lions, (in which case, please write me and invite me over to your house, because I would like to see them and see what it feels like to be actually terrified) that is not going to happen.
Timing is important and no, you can’t just run around living life like today is really your last day on earth and be completely irresponsible and never make any plans, ever.
But we could all stand to soften up a bit. Stop looking at everyone else all the time and get quiet enough to hear the voice inside that says, “Love you, boo. You’re doing your best and you look great doing it.”
Because that’s the truth.